This written piece is exclusively for me, myself and I. I decided to write down some of my 100% candid, unfiltered thoughts about what I feel and how I can change that because I can see myself going only downhill if I don’t act. Like they say, I had to check myself before I wrecked myself.
I haven’t written this with the intention of sharing it with the world. And, I’ve shared a direct link to this with three of my friends (kinda my only “friends” at the moment lol) who helped me out with this. So, if you are here from any other source, you’re either a stalker or extremely bored in life.
Before we continue — What you’ll read below is me thinking out loud trying to address some of things I’ve been dealing with since forever now. Whatever is mentioned below, is a publication of the darkest part of my brain. I’d really appreciate it if you gave up here (Also why I’m making this long, to bore you out). If you do decide to continue, feel free to label me as a pretentious motherfucker or an attention seeking whore or whatever the fuck you want to call me. I don’t/can’t care about stuff like this anymore.
Why am I doing this?
Well, here begins the fun part (for me at least).
Waking up EVERYDAY feeling like a worthless piece of shit isn’t easy. Not one bit! I don’t remember the last time I woke up excited to conquer a day.
Coupled with this is my emotional side taking over and polluting my brain with “Don’t exist” (Yeah, the other D word scares you now, doesn’t it?) thoughts every fucking day. While the logical side has always been in control and kept me in check, the emotional part of my brain is a fucking bitch who’s just waiting to push me down the cliff for one wrong step that I take. I tried very hard to make my peace with it. I even took a step towards fixing this. While I did start therapy, it is a slow process. Heck, I don’t even know if I’m on the right couch at the moment.
Why these thoughts? Don’t ask! I’m trying to figure this out for myself.
And hence, this piece. As a pitstop for every time I’m worn out. As a railing to stop me from falling off that cliff. As a thread (really hope this is a harness) that’s keeping me in place.
All I did was ask 3 friends (the same ones with a direct link to this) about stuff they absolutely love and stuff they absolutely hate about me. The “love” part is what will keep me going everyday. And the hate part — Well, no one knows me like they do. And they know the kinda stuff that really isn’t healthy. So, in an attempt to improve myself, I’ll be using these points as a place to start.
Will this work out? I don’t really know. I’m putting this out there because until now, all of this is in my head. But the moment I hit the publish button, everything is real. AND I WILL HAVE TO ADDRESS IT!
To getting better I guess.
Let’s begin with the bad stuff
It’s wiser to start by addressing the elephant in the room. Plus, if the good stuff is in the end, I won’t have to end up sad every time I re-read this (the main motive of writing this, duh!). Either way, let’s begin
- Very careless with money — Hahaha! I’m not surprised this landed up here. You can never trust me with money! Although, I am going to start saving/investing actively. Worst case scenario, I should have at least a month’s salary saved with me by the end of the month.
- Stubborn — No shit Sherlock! I am pretty aware about the moments where I can be like this. But then again, it is because I’ve given the situation some thought and have a fair idea of how to deal with it and I don’t want to give up on it. Is it really a healthy trait though? Are you really a master of your own thoughts? Would you be living with suicidal thoughts if you were really that “Sane”? Adi, if you’re reading this, let’s revisit this a year later. Tell me what you feel about this then?
- Doesn’t act on feelings — Hahaha! That’s the whole “musibat ki jad”. I always try to avoid acting on feelings because this stupid bitch doesn’t know how to behave right. Every time I’ve given my emotions control, things haven’t ended up in the best situation. Although, my therapist asked me to work on fixing this. I need to find a blend instead of being 100% logical or 100% emotional all the time. Maybe this will actually help me fix myself?
- Lazy — Tell me about it! I don’t even know why I’m being this lazy. Is it actually the THC taking over? Well, let’s put that to the test. Let’s detox for the rest of March 2021 and see how much it affects my performance. Also, back to working out. I can’t sit on my ass all day expecting for things to happen by themselves. Hustle for the muscle, you fat, ugly, lazy fucking piece of shit!
- Impulsive — This is exactly what happens when “emotions” is on the wheel. And also why I prefer not acting on feelings. While Adi hasn’t been around me for the longest time, he always has seen the “I gave it a thought” wala side of me. But KB, he’s always around. And he knows how bad I can goof up when it comes to me acting impulsively. KB, if you’re reading this, please slap me hard and wake me up before I end up creating another blunder in front of you, please?
- In-confident — I’m sorry. But people scare me. The uncertainty of what’s going on their head, how they’ll react to what I’ll say and the fact that I am a blabbermouth keeps my mouth shut most of the time. But I can’t keep this on, can I? Stranger danger is a real thing, yes. But you also have the balls to fend for yourself, don’t you? Why do you even have to care about what they’re thinking about you? Worst case scenario, at least you made someone laugh with your clown act.
- Not confident when it comes to speaking up — Well, while this might be a lot similar to what I wrote above, I think this could also mean “You suck at confrontation”. And confronting someone is a solution to 99% of the problems. Things either work out, or you get closure.
But I hope you know that I’ve been working on this since the longest. The old me would run miles away from confrontation. But the new me, he takes time but he at least reaches that stage for confrontation. And I really hope the future me is in a stage to not cower away and jump right in to fix things before they completely break.
- Let emotions meddle with the real problem — I got a very very very good taste of this (which I think also might have resulted in me losing a friend). But I learnt my lesson, the hard way. And I know how it will pan out if I don’t fix this. So, never again, I promise!
But wait, it can’t all be bad, can it?
Yup! There is. And this section of this piece is what will keep me going. For a very long time. Because this section gives me reasons as to why I can’t give up on myself yet.
Yes, my life is a rotting, maggot infested pile of shit. But my friends, they don’t think so. They gave me reasons to why they love me for who I am and these reasons are what will be my ray of light in that dark room with a hanging noose (well, more like a screen of light but you get my point).
So, let’s begin.
- Stoic — I legit had to Google the word lol. But I’m not sure how I fit the bill. I’m doing the exact opposite of “being stoic”. But if you meant about my behavior around people, then maybe yes. I’d never want you to know how pathetic I’m feeling and start worrying about that. Y’all have a lot of shit to deal with for yourself. I can’t burden on to your problems, no fucking way! But if I do need help, I know I can remove that mask and be 100% vulnerable around the “3 people” I mentioned earlier. And I love you guys for that! :)
- Very matter of fact — Well, why beat around the bush when you can cut to the chase? Also, I’m glad this ended up here and not the section above. Because this is one thing I’d never want to change. I’d never want to sugarcoat stuff for people just to make them feel better. Like they say — “Take me as I am, or watch me as I go”.
- Self aware of feelings — Hahaha! I mean, I am writing all of this here, so there must be some kind of self awareness? :P
It has its pros and cons. But I’m glad I know what I’m feeling and how I’ll react to a situation. Why I react the way I react is the hard part to figure out.
- Easygoing — I don’t know what makes you think this way, but since it’s coming from KB, it must mean something.
Tbvh, I might look poised or calm or easygoing or whatever. But on the inside, I’m constantly freaking out hahaha. (The whole stoic bit)
- Loyalty — Well, I’d never intentionally hurt anyone for starters. I’ll always mean well for the other person.
As for staying loyal to friends, I don’t have a lot going on for me. And you guys add the color required. You’re celebrating the good times with me and helping me face the tough ones. For all that you’ve done for me, I wouldn’t think twice about taking a bullet for you.
- Independent — Again, I don’t know what makes you think this way. Well, I don’t like bothering others with my shit. Like I said, y’all have a lot to deal with yourself and I’d never want to burden you with my shit.
But I think I get what you meant. No matter what the situation is, I’ll manage to take care of myself enough to survive. I don’t have to wait for anyone to help me out with some particular stuff.
- The best for the last: I love that your friends can count on you even in the middle of the night — Well, I signed up for this. For all you have done for me and for all the times you’ve taken care of me, this is the least I could do. All I want is to ensure y’all are happy and don’t have things stressing you. I’d go to any extent to make sure that things work out for you.
Plus, I’ve probably lost the ability to feel happy for myself. Hence, I chase happiness in that little smile and glitter in your eyes. And that is all I want, always! :)
So Neeraj, there you go. 7 reasons for not killing yourself.
Your life isn’t complete shit. Look at what you have:
3 amazing friends who have your back no matter what. Yes, they’re often busy but when it comes down to it, I’m sure they’ll be there for you.
A bright future with untapped potential that you can’t give up on just yet. You haven’t even made a dent yet and you want to give up this early?
And a fuckton of exploring to do!
So get your ass up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get shit done. Let’s wait to visit the end some other day. :)