Reminisce on this a year later!

So, finally doing this. An attempt to get better. Let’s see how this thing goes.

Overview

This written piece is exclusively for me, myself and I. I decided to write down some of my 100% candid, unfiltered thoughts about what I feel and how I can change that because I can see myself going only downhill if I don’t act. Like they say, I had to check myself before I wrecked myself.

Why am I doing this?

Well, here begins the fun part (for me at least).

Let’s begin with the bad stuff

It’s wiser to start by addressing the elephant in the room. Plus, if the good stuff is in the end, I won’t have to end up sad every time I re-read this (the main motive of writing this, duh!). Either way, let’s begin

  1. Stubborn — No shit Sherlock! I am pretty aware about the moments where I can be like this. But then again, it is because I’ve given the situation some thought and have a fair idea of how to deal with it and I don’t want to give up on it. Is it really a healthy trait though? Are you really a master of your own thoughts? Would you be living with suicidal thoughts if you were really that “Sane”? Adi, if you’re reading this, let’s revisit this a year later. Tell me what you feel about this then?
  2. Doesn’t act on feelings — Hahaha! That’s the whole “musibat ki jad”. I always try to avoid acting on feelings because this stupid bitch doesn’t know how to behave right. Every time I’ve given my emotions control, things haven’t ended up in the best situation. Although, my therapist asked me to work on fixing this. I need to find a blend instead of being 100% logical or 100% emotional all the time. Maybe this will actually help me fix myself?
  3. Lazy — Tell me about it! I don’t even know why I’m being this lazy. Is it actually the THC taking over? Well, let’s put that to the test. Let’s detox for the rest of March 2021 and see how much it affects my performance. Also, back to working out. I can’t sit on my ass all day expecting for things to happen by themselves. Hustle for the muscle, you fat, ugly, lazy fucking piece of shit!
  4. Impulsive — This is exactly what happens when “emotions” is on the wheel. And also why I prefer not acting on feelings. While Adi hasn’t been around me for the longest time, he always has seen the “I gave it a thought” wala side of me. But KB, he’s always around. And he knows how bad I can goof up when it comes to me acting impulsively. KB, if you’re reading this, please slap me hard and wake me up before I end up creating another blunder in front of you, please?
  5. In-confident — I’m sorry. But people scare me. The uncertainty of what’s going on their head, how they’ll react to what I’ll say and the fact that I am a blabbermouth keeps my mouth shut most of the time. But I can’t keep this on, can I? Stranger danger is a real thing, yes. But you also have the balls to fend for yourself, don’t you? Why do you even have to care about what they’re thinking about you? Worst case scenario, at least you made someone laugh with your clown act.
  6. Not confident when it comes to speaking up — Well, while this might be a lot similar to what I wrote above, I think this could also mean “You suck at confrontation”. And confronting someone is a solution to 99% of the problems. Things either work out, or you get closure.
    But I hope you know that I’ve been working on this since the longest. The old me would run miles away from confrontation. But the new me, he takes time but he at least reaches that stage for confrontation. And I really hope the future me is in a stage to not cower away and jump right in to fix things before they completely break.
  7. Let emotions meddle with the real problem — I got a very very very good taste of this (which I think also might have resulted in me losing a friend). But I learnt my lesson, the hard way. And I know how it will pan out if I don’t fix this. So, never again, I promise!
  1. Very matter of fact — Well, why beat around the bush when you can cut to the chase? Also, I’m glad this ended up here and not the section above. Because this is one thing I’d never want to change. I’d never want to sugarcoat stuff for people just to make them feel better. Like they say — “Take me as I am, or watch me as I go”.
  2. Self aware of feelings — Hahaha! I mean, I am writing all of this here, so there must be some kind of self awareness? :P
    It has its pros and cons. But I’m glad I know what I’m feeling and how I’ll react to a situation. Why I react the way I react is the hard part to figure out.
  3. Easygoing — I don’t know what makes you think this way, but since it’s coming from KB, it must mean something.
    Tbvh, I might look poised or calm or easygoing or whatever. But on the inside, I’m constantly freaking out hahaha. (The whole stoic bit)
  4. Loyalty — Well, I’d never intentionally hurt anyone for starters. I’ll always mean well for the other person.
    As for staying loyal to friends, I don’t have a lot going on for me. And you guys add the color required. You’re celebrating the good times with me and helping me face the tough ones. For all that you’ve done for me, I wouldn’t think twice about taking a bullet for you.
  5. Independent — Again, I don’t know what makes you think this way. Well, I don’t like bothering others with my shit. Like I said, y’all have a lot to deal with yourself and I’d never want to burden you with my shit.
    But I think I get what you meant. No matter what the situation is, I’ll manage to take care of myself enough to survive. I don’t have to wait for anyone to help me out with some particular stuff.
  6. The best for the last: I love that your friends can count on you even in the middle of the night — Well, I signed up for this. For all you have done for me and for all the times you’ve taken care of me, this is the least I could do. All I want is to ensure y’all are happy and don’t have things stressing you. I’d go to any extent to make sure that things work out for you.
    Plus, I’ve probably lost the ability to feel happy for myself. Hence, I chase happiness in that little smile and glitter in your eyes. And that is all I want, always! :)

Take care champ. Hang in there. Things will work out for you soon!

I write here for myself. I'd appreciate it if you didn't actually go through this.